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Thoughts That Need to be Expressed.

When I began venturing out online, I was hoping to be able to connect with people. I mean REALLY connect with them. Beyond a surface level. I can get shallow surface-only connection every day of my life from strangers on the street. I want MORE than that.

I GENUINELY LOVE AND CARE for people. Even if I don't know you, I can still love and care about you. I don't know if everybody is put off by that, or if that just makes people uncomfortable, or if others just don't understand it or what. I just don't feel the same connectedness that I used to from the universe. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. It honestly just FEELS like everyone is just out for themselves now. It's very sad.

I hurt a lot. I hurt for myself, for what I see happening to this planet, I hurt for others. The pain runs so deep that I can't even grasp the words that could accurately convey what it feels like. A primal scream wouldn't even BEGIN to scratch the surface of it.

I long to feel like I am a part of something. I very rarely feel like I fit in. Whenever I find someone, anyone who I connect with, for whatever reason, they get taken away from me. I am tired of that. I DO NOT want to go through that anymore. I WILL not. I am tired of giving my heart and soul away only to have it not matter.

I want to be appreciated, valued, loved. I want to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I matter. I want to feel like I belong somewhere.

Does this makes sense?

I am an outsider. Sometimes I really do think that I will never be understood.

I would love to surround myself with people. People who will call me on the spur of the moment and go places with me. People who want to experience life with me. People who want to SHARE their life experiences with me. I try to create that for myself, but it never works out. All I get are walls. No matter what I do. I feel like I am standing in the middle of an hourglass, trying desperately to hold on, but everything just keeps slipping through my fingers, just like sand.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop caring? Just give up and shut myself off from the world. It feels as though my life would be easier if I just became a cold, uncaring robot. Maybe if I just didn't give a damn anymore, things will be better.

Today, right now, I just want to throw my hands up and say "Okay, I quit."

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
razoondragoonus
Jun. 14th, 2003 04:20 pm (UTC)
you could say "I tried" but then; did you really or are you just saying that. Seems to me that at the time this was written you could have been trying, but you didn't. I'm sorry I have to say this and you can deleate it and ban me, but I will say it. You only tried as much as you wanted to try, but you didn't try enough to actualy have it make any differance...You know my e-mail. I got nothing...Sorry but true.
tomonwheels
Jun. 16th, 2003 04:27 pm (UTC)
Why would I ban you? I'm not that kind of person.

You also bring up a good point:

"You only tried as much as you wanted to try, but you didn't try enough to actualy have it make any differance."

It's true, I probably HAVE only tried as much as I have wanted to try. Up to a point. It IS really hard to break through walls that are put up in front of you though.
erryl
Jun. 16th, 2003 01:12 am (UTC)
I know what you mean about trying.Maybe not all of it, but a general understanding. Since, I'm not walking in your shoes. Sometimes,I think I don't try enough. I think I spoke to you in a chat room on aim. I'm not sure. I'm still trying to quit putting walls up in my life. I shouldn't do it.I get so scared I will be hurt or hurt someone. Since my foot likes to live in my mouth on nearly all the wrong occasions. Please cut yourself some slack. You are human, and robots just don't tire out as fast as people. At least in theory.=) Well, if you want to get to know a confused, christian girl. I'll do my best not to put up walls. And I said I was going to leave livejournal tonight..I'm going to look like such a dork..tis life. The choice is your yours.

Deb
tomonwheels
Jun. 16th, 2003 04:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks for that Deb. Yes we DID chat in an AOL IM chat room a couple times.

It IS indeed difficult to break down walls, both when WE put them up ourselves and when others put them up around us for fear of being hurt. That is one of the reasons I was so sad on saturday. It seems like these days everyone is just out for themselves without realizing or caring that everyone around them is affected by their actions.

When we refuse to break down our own walls for fear of being hurt by outside forces, we become exactly what we are fighting against...robots who don't care about anyone except themselves.

Thanks for responding. With your permission, I will add you to my friends list.

:-)
erryl
Jun. 16th, 2003 06:23 pm (UTC)
Go ahead.=) I'll add you to my friends list as well.If you don't mind. That and I'll try to put the walls down.=)
xavior
Jun. 16th, 2003 10:46 am (UTC)
Tom if you quit then whatever is wrong and bad in the world wins. if nothing keep going just to tell it "FUCK YOU!"

that way you always win.

xavior
tomonwheels
Jun. 16th, 2003 04:57 pm (UTC)
I know honey.

BELIEVE me sometimes I want to quit. Saturday was one of those times. I have been a fighter all my life, and I don't usually give up so easily. It just really bothers me that everybody seems concerned only with themselves these days.

No one realizes that the world is the way it is because we set it up that way, and we allow it to continue because we aren't doing anything to change it. We aren't breaking down our own walls or taking the time required to REALLY connect with someone. Breaking down those walls is hard to do, but we have to try.

That's why I haven't quite given up yet.

Thanks for your input.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )